So, today let’s talk about my current issue. It’s a big one, and it’s grown into epic “Oh holy hell I’m not sure I can dig out of this one” status. Originally I wasn’t going to talk about it, but after writing up last week’s post on creative insecurity I thought… how can I be a crafting blogger and NOT talk about this?! Here we go…
My big bad ugly right now is the studio I’m currently sitting in. It is the physical manifestation of every insecurity I’ve got at the moment, actually. As I’ve put on 15lbs in the last few months and been absolute a sack of crap about diet and exercise… yeah. It’s like all my demons are currently taking form as a studio where nothing is put away and everything is a hot mess. It mocks me and reminds me of my every failing. To be blunt, I’m not sure how I’ve continued to create in here except that I choose to not see it. Isn’t that how so many people live with big ugly things in their lives? Ignoring that elephant in the room…
Its name is no longer the batcave or my studio. As of last week I’ve re-named it: this is the (yes, all caps) TSUNAMI OF SH*T. Unfinished projects, half organized things, a floor used as receptacle for recycling, tax papers all over where the computer should be, the computer on the girl’s art tray, books scattered, Christmas wrapping paper… it is the worst it has ever been in the decade since I claimed this room as a studio. I have not fully cleaned this room in at least 18months, probably more like 2 years.
Why am I sharing this?
Well, it’s like this. Yes, I’ve been intensely busy and a lot has been going on and I’m still trying to wrangle some deadlines so that I can be caught back up and… and… But the truth is that everyone is busy and there’s always something happening. Everyone has the same number of hours in the day, their own problems, their own priorities. Nobody has it better, nobody has it easier. I won’t excuse my grossness or my utter lack of discipline.
Because that’s what this is, isn’t it?
I made the choice to pour energies into my kids, family stuff, and work. I made the choice to be ignoring diet, minimizing exercise, and not ever cleaning up after myself in the studio.
It has been my choice.
I can’t control everything, and yes I’ve had some kind of nasty injury trifecta and flare ups that have been putting me down exercise wise… but I let it get me. Let the mental defeat happen and I didn’t fight it. I gave myself the excuses.
One of my pet peeves in people is when they are negative and always have excuses for themselves and/or fingers to point elsewhere in blame. That is something you’re not seeing me do here. No. Way. Am I hard on myself? Darn right I am. If I want to improve my own life, if I want to be happier, whose job is that?
It is not my husband’s job, it is not up to my friends, government, coworkers, or family. It is my own damn responsibility and I will own it.
So where does this leave me on this rant? It leaves me evaluating what works well in here and what doesn’t. What I want and don’t want. How to re-incorporate good eating and exercise into my daily life. It also has me creating a pinterest board called operation clean studio. It has me making a plan. It has me prioritizing the gym and diet. Buying a lot more fresh vegetables and no yummy desserts. Ok, maybe just a few yummy desserts.
It has me taking charge and being responsible for my own actions.
I’m not going to share my exercise info – that’s just not anything new or interesting. I am just getting back into habits I had established but in 2012 so far have let slide down into dangerously unmotivated territory. But I will be sharing operation fix TSUNAMI OF SH*T.
I haven’t decided if I’ll do it as a weekly column here, or post as I get things done. But if you want to know my process and all that for getting the studio whipped into the shape it deserves, just know that’ll be here. I’ve got photos of my studio over the last 8 yrs or so to share, and I’ve got the good, bad, and ugly. As I type this I’ve already moved the furniture and spent about 20hrs so far cleaning and sorting and putting things away in proper places… and it’s not even close to halfway there.
It will be an honest, unedited account of the repair of balance. Of maximizing the potential of this space and not giving myself permission to not be accountable for the mess. Oh – I’m all for making messes. But you’ve gotta clean them up now and then too.
Happy [cleaning, exercising, and] Crafting.